


Secondary Stress

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Gen, Nadine-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26944849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: Nadine struggles to deal with her role in Iran and the unpredictable nature of Elizabeth's PTSD.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

“Ma’am.” Nadine reached out and touched Elizabeth’s shoulder to draw her attention. She felt the other woman tense under her hand.

It had started as an impromptu pull-aside meeting between the Secretary and the ambassador from Italy, but it had quickly begun to dissolve when he had refused what Nadine agreed was basic cooperation between two allied nations. The graying man hadn’t denied being aware of the problem but had simply been unwilling to help.

Drawing a breath, Nadine lifted her chin, determined to be a steady presence to keep Elizabeth from spinning out of control. It didn’t take much these days and Nadine found herself on permanent high alert. It was exhausting by day to try and guess what would set her boss off today and send her into a fit of rage or make her burst into tears. At night, she was finding the growing worry kept her awake, leading to further exhaustion, or filtered into her dreams, giving her nightmares about a missed trigger leading to an international disaster.

The private triggers and subsequent disasters she and the rest of the team witnessed almost daily were far bad enough. Only that morning, Elizabeth had raised her voice at Jay over distracting Matt and Daisy with baby pictures. When she’d stepped in as her voice rose, Nadine found herself the direct focus of Elizabeth’s ire. It had been Blake suddenly appearing in the conference room from his desk and physically turning and guiding Elizabeth away that had ended it.

Now it was only she with Elizabeth and it was up to her to suck it up and clear out before irritation shifted swiftly into unbridled rage. “This way.” She murmured, hoping that Elizabeth would cooperate without causing a scene in front of the ambassador.

“Hold on, Nadine.” She shrugged off her hand and a tendril of dread crawled up Nadine’s spine. “I want to hear why the ambassador here thinks it’s okay to let the people killing our citizens continue to go free when we have the ability to work together to stop it.” Her voice rose as she spoke and wavered worryingly at the end.

It felt like her heart was racing. Nadine hated that this had become part of her job, but she’d do it anyway. “Ma’am, I appreciate that, but we really are on a schedule and need to be going.”

“We have time.” Elizabeth bit out.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am, we do not.” She tried to remain professional. She fit into an odd place in her relationship with Elizabeth. Matt and Daisy simply didn’t have the clout to push their boss around and knew it; and while Jay and Blake technically were subordinates as well, they had size on their side and had on occasion physically forced compliance when professionalism failed. She had the authority to challenge her boss but had to depend on professional diplomacy to convince Elizabeth to cooperate.

Elizabeth turned quickly and hard eyes sizzled into Nadine. “Excuse me?”

“We can resume this discussion after your next meeting, Ma’am, but we really do have to be going.” She held her gaze even though it felt like the room was heating up and it was getting hard to breathe. “I’ll message Blake to get the ambassador on your schedule later today in person. Perhaps by then the ambassador will have had a change of heart.” She sent her own dirty look at the man.

“Fine. You do that.” She turned back to him as well. “I expect that you will be available for whatever time my assistant asks.”

=MS=

Jay rapped on the wood frame with his knuckles as he leaned through the doorway. “Hey.” Nadine was turned to the side at her desk, back to the wall of windows and he watched as she jumped in her seat and gasped. “I’m sorry.” He apologized as her eyes darted up to him. He stepped into the room. “You okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine.” He watched her carefully move the file from her lap to the desk. “How can I help you?” Her hands seemed to shake a bit as she folded them together.

He tipped his head and studied her before turning and shutting the door. Taking a seat, he leaned forward. “It’s nothing important. Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve seemed a bit out of sorts.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I really am fine.” He noticed her eyes didn’t meet his when she answered. “It’s been a long few weeks.”

Jay nodded. “I agree. And I know you’ve been working hard to mitigate any issues, but you were… you just didn’t seem yourself this morning.” He tried to dance around what he’d witnessed both when the Secretary had shouted at them and then Nadine, and then how she’d acted afterward. Nadine was never one to openly display her emotions, but she’d spent the morning unsettled and nervously twitching her pen. “I’m available to listen if you need it.” He could see her start to object. “I mean it, Nadine. Just say the word and I’m there.”

“I’m fine… but thank you.” She sighed.

“Don’t feel like you have to deal with all of it on your own. We’re a team and that means you can lean on us as much as we lean on you.” He gave a small sigh. “You’ve been stepping in and taking a lot lately.” Jay glanced out the windows before continuing. He had heard how things had been around the office while he’d been off since Chloe had been born. “The other two told me that display this morning was becoming fairly normal around here. Well, that or crying. They told me how they’ve been dealing with it. I caught up with Blake while you were out and dragged how he’s been doing out of him. He sounds about a week away from a nervous breakdown of his own.”

“We’ve all been doing the best we can.”

“I’ll ask again- Are you okay and how can I help you, Nadine?”

She stared at him a moment. There was genuine worry on his face. “She nearly blew up at the Italian ambassador earlier today and when I tried to intervene, she started to turn on me.”

“Again.” He added.

She nodded. “I don’t know what to do to help her.”

“There isn’t anything really you can do. Not until she’s ready.” He sighed. “It’s common for the people closest to someone with PTSD to begin to start suffering something similar as well. They can develop their own triggers, their own stress reactions… Like jumping out of your skin from a sudden noise like someone knocking unexpectedly.” He pointed out.

“I understand, but what can be done?” She tried to brush it off.

“Talking; to each other, to a therapist. Sharing the burden; none of us on the team need protecting, let us all be there for one another, including you. Admitting you need a break or to just walk away from a situation.”

Realizing that she really did need this moment he was offering, she decided to be candid. “I can barely sleep lately. Worrying keeps me up.”

“What do you worry about the most?”

“A lot of things.” She wasn’t sure if he would accept it as an answer, but he did with a sigh as he leaned back in his chair. “You seem to know a lot about this kind of thing.”

“Yeah, well… I saw a lot of it in my buddies.” He shook his head. “I’ve been reaching out to a friend who is a shrink for a lot of vets. I had my suspicions after the Secretary came back, you know? He explained the secondary PTSD thing and told me to be careful. He’s a bit of a drive, but he recommended a doctor a lot closer and suggested I start going regularly. I already gave her information to Blake because he looked like he needs it and I plan on going as often as I can, maybe you should too.”

“I- I’m not sure if I’d be able to commit the time.” She waved around the office and out past her windows. “All my time is taken up here.”

Jay nodded in understanding. “I get it, believe me Nadine. Tell me, though, that this isn’t getting to you.”

She wanted to but realized she couldn’t. “You’re right. But it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t take time off every week to go meet with someone. Not to mention the travel time there and back.”

He smirked. “What if I told you her office was within walking distance?”


	2. Chapter 2

Nadine nervously looked around the office as she took a seat on the unfamiliar sofa. There was an abundance of natural light filtering in through light shades and the room held a warm and welcoming feel. She rubbed her palms along her thighs until she realized it likely gave away how anxious she was to be here.

“Ms. Tolliver, I’m glad you decided to come in and talk with me.” Doctor Phillips greeted as she took the chair across from her. “May I call you Nadine?”

“Yes.” She nervously smiled.

“Okay. I just want to reiterate to you here that anything you say never leaves this room. I can imagine that it must make you nervous knowing I also meet with your coworkers, but aside from simply acknowledging that, confidentiality is always of the upmost importance. So, please feel free to say anything you feel you need to.”

“Right.”

“You are welcome to start from the beginning and assume I know nothing or jump in and if I’m not sure, I’ll ask.” She encouraged.

It took Nadine a minute to decide where to start. It felt like so many things were tangled into one and so much of what they did was classified on some level or another. After several minutes of silence, she made a decision. “I feel a significant amount of loyalty to my boss.” She bit her lip. “Not just because she is my boss, or because she is a woman, but because time and again when she could have rightfully thrown me out with the chaff so to speak, she has stood by me. Even when she disapproved of something I’d done.”

“She supports you.”

“Yes.”

“And you haven’t had that before?”

“No.” She was surprised to hear the slight catch in her voice. “I worked for the previous…” She gestured with her hand and the doctor nodded. “Anyway… I was sleeping with him. For…years. And even then, I was expendable. I was a means to an end it turns out. So now… now that this horrible thing has happened, a thing I had a hand in facilitating, even if I wasn’t aware of it, I feel responsible for the trauma it has caused.”

“Does your boss blame you?”

She gave a sardonic laugh. “No. Not even a little bit.”

“Can you walk me through what happened? This horrible thing as you called it?”

“Yes. Technically. It was in the news.” She glanced up and saw a glint of understanding in her doctor’s eyes. “She had been in a meeting. When she returned, it was to tell us she was flying to Iran which none of us agreed with. Her, um…” She trailed off.

“You can use names or titles or whatever you are comfortable with. Nothing ever leaves the two of us.”

“Right.” She drew a breath. “Her assistant…Blake…” She paused, the memory of his reaction playing quickly through her mind. “He got incredibly angry about it. I finally had to force him to take a moment to collect himself.”

“Was that out of the ordinary?”

“Yes and no.” Nadine admitted. “He’s a very passionate young man and more loyal to our boss than I am, but for different reasons.” She drew a breath and returned to her original line of thought. “She left and for hours we had no idea what was happening. It falls on me to be in charge when the Secretary is away unless or until another is temporarily or permanently appointed. As it was meant to be an in-and-out trip, that left me in charge of everything.”

“That’s a major responsibility.”

She shrugged. “I’m used to it by now.” A frown tugged at the corners of her mouth. “It was just over a year since I’d stood in the office, surrounded by the same staff, and listened as the same person told me Secretary Marsh’s plane went down. And there I was again and while she was status unknown, it felt exactly the same. And this time I knew from the beginning that it was my fault.”

“But you said you had been unaware of what had been going on.”

“I should have paid more attention.” She was angry at herself for missing it. For being so blind that she never questioned the lies and deceptions she’d been asked to make.

“Can you walk me through what happened after that person told you she was missing?”

“I had to start managing things in-house but then I was also the person who had to report on the situation further up.” She drew a breath. “It was so much worse than just a sudden death. A lot of things had to be handled and as the person temporarily in charge, it was up to me to see to it they got handled.”

“You must have been relieved when word came down she was alive.”

“Yes.”

“And then?”

“I told the others.” Nadine paused again, this time remembering the myriad of emotions in that conference room. Daisy had cried with relief and Matt had had tears in his eyes. Jay had been celebratory, and she’d clearly seen in his face the lingering memory of Marsh. And the poor Blake, who’d been so overcome with emotions that he’d collapsed and nearly passed out from it all. After a minute, she looked up at the doctor again. “Everyone was thankful she was alive and coming home. But she hasn’t really come home.”

“How do you mean?” No sooner had she asked than a timer went off. “I’m so sorry. We’ll have to pick this back up next week.”

“Yes. Right.” Nadine stood.

“I do have one more question for you.” Doctor Phillips added. “I know your schedule is unpredictable at times and I know that you and your coworkers are all aware you are all seeing me. Do you want me to not schedule appointments back to back or would it not be an issue? I would hate for any of you to be uncomfortable if you stepped out and someone was in the waiting room you didn’t wish to see.”

Nadine considered it a moment. “I don’t think it would be a problem.”


	3. Chapter 3

“I know it’s been a few weeks since you were able to last come.” Doctor Phillips began. Nadine had missed two consecutive appointments due to work. The doctor flipped through her notebook. “I can refresh you on where we ended last time?” She looked up for a nod. “You had been talking about finding out your boss was alive and then said she hasn’t really come home. I had asked you to elaborate on that.”

Nadine nodded slowly. “At first she played it off as tired. Jetlagged. But it became clear quickly she was likely having flashbacks; I suspected she wasn’t sleeping. The worst part was that her moods were all over the place. One minute she’d be her normal self, then she’d be in tears, then she’d be hostile or angry.”

“Was?”

“Hm?”

“You spoke in past tense.”

She frowned. “Yes. It lasted about six weeks.”

“And then?”

“She’s… getting help now.” The events of the week prior rushed to her mind. “Things have changed.”

“But in that six weeks, things were hard, yes?”

“I thought I was covering it well.”

When she didn’t carry on, Doctor Phillips decided to see if she wanted to go another way. “Is there something else on your mind today?”

Nadine looked up in surprise.

“We can skip ahead or talk about something else entirely. It’s your decision, this is your time.”

“A coworker keeps reminding me that I don’t have to step in and take it each time she gets angry. At least not when it’s one of them being shouted at. Something happened last week, it was part of why I had to cancel my appointment. A member of our team made an error and it became a catalyst for something else. As I always have done, I physically put myself between them and our boss and deflected the anger away from them.”

“And this other coworker thinks you shouldn’t do that?”

“No.” Despite herself, a smile tugged at her lips before falling away. “He doesn’t understand though. I mean, they all know about my affair now and they know of one other lie I told, but they don’t understand all of it. How this is all my fault, not theirs. I allowed the events to happen that led to where we are now.”

“So, this is penance?”

Nadine tipped her head side to side. “Atonement. I confessed what I’ve done, I don’t plan on doing it again and this is my suffering for what I have done.”

“When will it be enough though?”

Nadine’s eyes dropped to her hands in her lap. “Even counting those who weren’t innocent, twelve people have died that I in some way knew or someone I’m close to knew, plus hundreds of innocent lives, and then the lives that are forever ruined because their families have been torn apart.” Her voice caught. “Children who watched their parent murdered. Children who watched their parent arrested. Children who didn’t know if their parent was ever coming home.” She drew a shuddered breath as tears formed in her eyes. “I don’t know that it will ever be enough.”

“That’s a lot to carry.”

“Yeah.”

“And you knew twelve of them?”

She nodded. “Most of them. I knew the agents who were assigned to the Secretaries. Especially the one who died protecting Secretary McCord. I knew the flight staff. They were all innocent. A friend of hers… he died because he was trying to protect her.”

“Have you spoken to your boss about this?”

“No. She has enough on her plate right now.”

“Did you attend funerals?”

“Yes. The ones last year, before I knew… It was just a tragedy. But the ones this year? I sat there feeling like I owed their families an apology.”

“You carry a lot of guilt.” Doctor Phillips glanced at her watch. “You can’t let it consume you though.”

“I try to stay busy so I don’t think about it.”

“That’s not the same as accepting it isn’t your fault and moving on.”

“It is my fault.”


	4. Chapter 4

Nadine hurried along the sidewalk, weaving between groups of people as she rushed toward her destination. She’d been seeing Doctor Phillips for two months already, but this was the first time she’d called and asked to be seen the same day. Rushing up the steps, she stepped into the waiting area to find the Doctor was waiting on her.

“Come on in, Nadine. It sounded urgent.”

She brushed her hair away from her face as she sank into the couch. “The late Secretary’s widow turned up in my office today. For some reason I thought it would help clear my conscious to be honest with her about what I’d done and apologize for it.”

The doctor hesitated. “I would have advised against that.”

“She took it about as well as you might expect.” She sighed. “I am just so tired of carrying around this guilt all the time. I saw her and wanted to unburden myself of it and I thought it would help if I was honest with this one person.”

“Did it?”

“No.”

“I want to try an exercise with you, if that’s okay?” She waited for a nod. “You work very closely with a small group of coworkers within the State Department, yes?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“You’ve given me their names in passing. Describe for me… Matt.”

Nadine blinked, pausing a moment to think. “Matt… Matt’s young.”

“Is he the youngest?”

“No. But some days he acts it.” A smile teased at her lips. “He needs a lot of mothering sometimes. Working in DC makes you jaded and hard, but he’s still pretty green and hopeful.”

“Could you elaborate on that? That he needs mothering.”

“He, um, he takes criticisms hard. He often needs kept on task, but he’s a brilliant writer.”

“And despite his flaws, you’re fond of him.”

“Yes, well, my son is overseas and I haven’t spoken to him in years and Matt’s mother is out of state. I’d like to imagine that we both derive a small amount of comfort from our relationship.”

“What does he think about everything you all have been through?”

She gave that some thought. “He was the only one brave enough to ask me questions when the affair came out. The others gave him a hard time for it, but he was the only one that risked angering me and asked. He apologized later for overstepping if it hurt me, but he wanted me to know he hadn’t meant it to be nosy, he was genuinely concerned as to whether or not I was okay.”

“He worries about you. Does he worry about everyone?”

“Daisy maybe, but they keep dating off and on.” A thought flashed through her mind. “They were both cheating on other people for a while and it hit him hard when Daisy finally chose her other person over their fling.”

“Maybe he felt you were a kindred spirit?”

“Maybe.”

“And how about some of the other issues more recently?”

“He acts like it doesn’t bother him.”

“But you still protect him.”

“I don’t want to see him hurt too.”

“I see.” She made a note on the page in her lap. “And you just mentioned Daisy, describe her for me.”

“Daisy tries hard. Too hard sometimes. Government is still very much a man’s world and she’s young. She tries to come across as hard but comes off as callous. I’ve seen how that story plays out.”

“They sound very different.”

“They can be.”

“And yet you step in and deflect at least some of the heat from them?”

“They’re young. They need a chance to find themselves without being torn down.”

“But it’s acceptable for you to be torn down?”

Nadine huffed. “I’m old enough to know better. To know what I have coming. I knew I was wrong having an affair and I did it anyway. I knew the things I was doing were wrong and I convinced myself to agree to them anyway. They don’t deserve to be treated poorly for my behavior.”

“We’ve talked before about your feelings of responsibility. Do you feel responsible for Matt and Daisy? For the actions they take? You’ve mentioned before some of the things both of them have done.”

“No, of course not. They’re adults and while I have to deal with anything that impacts the office, they’re still responsible for their own behavior.”

“And yet you’re still carrying the full burden of what others have done. Other people own their own actions, you can’t do that.”

“I could have stopped it. I should have paid better attention. I should have gone to Iran.”

“Would that have been normal?”

“None of it was normal, so it’s a moot point.”

“I see.”


	5. Chapter 5

Nadine twisted her hands together as she waited in the small waiting room. She knew who was in with the doctor now, had seen him leave the office ahead of her. In the months since she’d been coming, it was the first time two of them had gotten back to back appointments.

When the door opened, she stood, warily waiting to see him emerge. His eyes were red and puffy, he sounded congested when he attempted to croak out her name in greeting, and she didn’t hesitate to cross to him, arms open in invitation. He hugged her and she held on until he finally pulled away first.

After he left, she followed Doctor Phillips into the office and waited for the door to close before taking a seat. “I hate seeing him hurting.” Nadine sighed. “He’s so strong, but I know he gets hurt.”

The doctor nodded, deciding that it might be the perfect segue. “We’ve covered a lot of ground, but we sort of danced around the remainder of the exercise from weeks past. You told me about Matt and Daisy and then your boss, but we haven’t touched on Blake or Jay in the same way. Are you comfortable talking to me about them?”

Nadine swallowed, her eyes darting quickly to the closed door Blake had left through as she’d come in before returning to the other woman. “In some ways the two of them are a lot alike.”

“How so?”

“They’re both smart, funny, fiercely loyal.”

“And special to you.”

“In some ways they’re my counterparts around the office.”

“Do you feel you’re closer to them than say Matt and Daisy?”

“Yes.” She sighed, knowing the doctor would want more than a one-word answer. “They come to me with personal matters, things they go to no one else with. I tell myself it’s because I’m their boss, but that’s only half true.”

“How do you mean?”

“Blake doesn’t answer to me. I’m naturally senior by rank, but I’m not actually his boss.”

“Do you open up to them?”

“No.” She chuckled, shaking her head. “Of course not.”

“Why not?”

Nadine blinked at her. “Pardon?”

“Are they not coming to you as a friend? Why can’t you go to them as a friend as well?”

“I- I never considered it an option.”

“Have they come to you about their struggles since your boss came back from Iran?”

She had to think about that a minute. She was often aware because she was present when something happened, but whereas Matt and Daisy had expected her to fix it, the other two hadn’t been as open. “No. They haven’t. I know they’re struggling, but they haven’t said anything outside of things I’ve personally witnessed.”

“Perhaps you need to start the conversation.” Nadine gave her a hard look and the doctor raised a hand in placation and chuckled. “Without breaking any confidences- Blake walked out of here and didn’t even hesitate to go to you for a hug when he saw you standing in the next room. At least from where I was standing, he didn’t look concerned that you would turn him away.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Then maybe your homework this week should be to start the conversation.” She leaned forward. “You can’t carry it all on your own. You are all trying to carry the same burden alone instead of sharing it. Be honest with them about the guilt you feel, I think their response will surprise you.”


	6. Chapter 6

Despite her doctor’s prodding, Nadine had spent the following weeks avoiding talking to Blake or Jay about her guilt over everything they’d been dealing with. She just wasn’t ready to confess her role in it all. Eventually, the doctor suggested that perhaps she would feel more comfortable talking to them in the safe space of her office. It was how Nadine found herself nervously playing with the fringe of a throw pillow as they waited for Jay to arrive.

“He had a stop to make on his way.” Nadine offered aimlessly to fill the silence.

Doctor Phillips only nodded.

Eventually, Jay rushed in apologizing for taking so long. He took a seat directly next to Nadine and looked at the doctor in anticipation.

“I’ve spoken with you both off and on about various stressors and what you have each been through in recent months. At this risk of sounding like I’m trying to put myself out of a job with each of you, I really do feel that if you have one another to lean on, your work will be easier. You have highly stressful jobs and handle thing the rest of the country often knows little to nothing about. The last thing you need is to be further isolated from the support system you do have.” She looked between them. “Jay, how about you start?”

“Me?” The surprised break in his voice made Nadine give a slight smile despite herself.

“As a veteran, you have a somewhat unique perspective on PTSD, trauma, and how it plays out and affects others. You understand survivor’s guilt and second guessing yourself.”

“Right.” He drew a breath and Nadine listened as he spoke first about his time in the army and his guilt over being the only one to come home. She recognized in his words a similar feeling of guilt over events that transpired. He moved on to his perspective of the days leading up to the Iran coup and then the months since. She listened as he placed blame squarely on the known actors who set it all in motion.

“And Nadine?” The doctor prompted when Jay finished.

She twisted her hands together a moment, not looking at Jay though she began speaking to him. “You already know I had an affair with Vincent for six years… And you know I falsified his schedule. I did that more than once.” She wasn’t looking forward to going on, but knew she had to. “Before Iran, we added Venezuela to the itinerary for a trip.”

“MSec was investigating a bank for money laundering.”

“No.” She shook her head. “Under a pseudonym, I was a signer for that account for Vincent. I was told the money was for us, but it turned out the money was to do with funding the coup.” When she glanced up at him, tears began to well up in her eyes. “I helped cover their tracks, I helped them pull together the money to fund it. I should have seen what was happening.” Her voice dropped. “It’s all been my fault.” Nadine drew a shuddered breath. “Every who’s died, or was hurt, all of this trauma we’ve been dealing with. It’s all been my fault.”

The room was silent for several minutes and she didn’t dare look up until he spoke softly. “Nadine.” His hand gently landed on her folded ones, surprising her into looking up at him. “It’s not your fault.”

She tried to pull away, but his grip held her hands in place. “Didn’t you hear me?”

“I heard that you were lied to and manipulated by someone who invested a lot of time into convincing you they loved you.”

“That- that may be, but-”

“But nothing.” He cut her off. “If Daisy or one of the other girls on our floor came to you and told you that someone in a position of power over them, their career and their life, was forcing them to do things they knew were wrong, what would you say to them?”

She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out as she realized where he was going. On the edge of panic, she looked to the doctor, who only nodded.

Jay carried on, however. “You would help them get out of the abusive relationship, Nadine.”

“What? He wasn’t abusing me.” She looked to the doctor again.

Doctor Phillips finally jumped in. “I agree with Jay. From what you’ve shared since we’ve begun meeting, I agree that Vincent was abusing you. He sounds like he was a very charismatic man and he lured you into a position where you felt obligated to cross lines you knew not to cross for him. He kept you in the dark but still holding enough cards that you could’ve gone down with him.”

“Or even for him.” Jay added.

Nadine was stunned. She’d never considered anything that she was being told now and she wasn’t sure how to start processing it in this new light.

“And you’re carrying the guilt even now for something he did.” Doctor Phillips carried on. “In a way, he’s still abusing you because you can’t move on from it. You were with him for many years, it won’t go away overnight, but I think it’s something we need to work on. Now, as for why we’re here this evening together. You have been carrying guilt about your role in everything that transpired, and you feared how the others would react.” She leaned forward to catch Nadine’s gaze. “Did Jay react how you expected?”

Carefully, she finally looked his way, finding only concern and kindness in his eyes. “No.”

“I wish you would have trusted me sooner.” Jay offered. “Then I could have told you sooner that nothing we’ve been dealing with at work has been your fault. A lot of people put the coup into motion, but you weren’t one of them.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond to his certainty of that.


	7. Chapter 7

After the revelation with Jay, Nadine had found every excuse to postpone and then cancel visits to the doctor again. She still wasn’t comfortable with the implication that Vincent had been abusing her in some way with what he’d been doing.

In the office, things looked like they were going more smoothly to the casual observer. Since the meltdown, for a lack of a better description, Elizabeth had been forced against her will into a very closely monitored schedule of non-stressful work and therapy sessions of her own. All of it while the worst symptoms were being medicated so they could be managed. What most people didn’t see, though, was how much she fought each and every part of it.

The emotional outbursts had definitely stopped, making for a much less stressful work environment for most of them, but Elizabeth was still regularly hostile to the one person charged with enforcing the new boundaries.

Nadine stepped out onto the roof of the Truman, pulling her jacket tighter round her as she looked around for the person she’d come in search of. In the far corner of the roof, leaning into the corner, hunched Blake against the wind. It was starting to become a regular occurrence that she found him there. “Blake.” She addressed as she got closer.

Turning to lean back against one ledge, he blew a stream of smoke into the sky as he flicked ash off the end of the cigarette in his hand. It was a disturbing new habit for him, one she tried to talk him out of almost daily. “I’ll stop tomorrow.” He answered. He’d said it before, and she wondered if he even believed he’d try. He lifted it to his lips again and drew in, looking up to the sky as he held his breath for a bit before blowing it out again.

“Why are you putting up with this?”

“It’s my job.” His tone told her he thought that should be obvious.

“It’s not.”

“I told her she could trust me with her life and her career. If I flake out now, one or both are at risk.”

She considered that a moment, right up until he brought the cigarette to his lips again. “Put it out, Blake. I won’t stand here and watch you destroy your life over any of this.”

He huffed but put it out against the cement ledge. “Fine.”

“You’ve been put into a position you’re not comfortable with.”

“And?”

She shot him a warning look at his somewhat surly tone in that single word. “And it was pointed out to me recently that Vincent had been abusing my by using our relationship to manipulate me into things I wasn’t comfortable doing.”

“Huh. I can see that.”

“Then can you see that Elizabeth is taking advantage of your personal relationship with her to treat you appallingly when she isn’t daring treat any of the rest of us that way? She knows you won’t ‘flake out’ as you put it, so she can do to you whatever she wishes.”

He arched one brow at her. “Are you implying she’s abusing me?”

“Stand there are tell me she’s not.” When he started to automatically reply, she cut him off. “Think very objectively.”

He hesitated, simply staring at her for several minutes before turning to look out over the city. “So, what do you suggest I do then?”

“Save yourself.” She watched him consider that a minute before she closed the distance between them and reached into his pocket, lifting out the pack of cigarettes and the lighter. “And no more of these.”

“I can just go buy more; you know.”

“You won’t.” She considered a moment before tapping one out of the pack and tucking it in her lips before flicking the lighter. She hadn’t smoked since high school, but the muscle memory was still there. Sucking in, she copied his earlier move and help the breath a moment before blowing it out and then smirked at him. “Believe me, I get the appeal.” His saucer-like eyes made her laugh in spite of herself. “What’s that look for?”

“I never knew you used to smoke.”

“I used to do a lot of things, Blake. I was young in the sixties and seventies.” Her smirk grew and then fell away. She finished the cigarette and crushed it. “Now, that was the last one for both of us. When was the last time you saw Doctor Phillips?”

“It’s been a few weeks.”

“Make an appointment. Then call Henry and say you’re in over your head and make him think of something else. If you don’t do those two things, I will.”

“Why?”

“Because if it wasn’t may fault that all of this happened in the first place, then it isn’t your fault she’s falling apart now.”

It dawned on her after a moment that he was staring at her like she had grown another head and she then realized that he had no clue about the appointment with Jay. She sighed. “I’ve been carrying around the guilt of my choices, my actions and inactions, and how they led us all to this point. The lies, the things I was inadvertently involved in. All I’ve been able to think about since she told us she was getting on that damned plane was how it was all my fault. My fault people died, people got hurt, traumatized.” She huffed. “Therapy has been enlightening to say the least.”

Nadine watched him try and process that, his brows pulling together in concern. “Is that why you’ve kept putting yourself in her path when she was so angry?”

She nodded.

“I wish you would’ve said something.”

“Doctor Phillips made me look at my relationships with all of you more closely and… yes, she mentioned that too.” A thought crossed her mind and she couldn’t help but let a small smile twitch at the corners of her lips. “It turns out that despite being the Chief of Staff for what I suppose you could call the lead communicator in the country, I’m not all that great at communicating on my own behalf.”

She looked up to find him smiling as well. “I’m not either, I guess.”

“Is this where the cool kids are hanging out now?” Jay’s voice carrying across the roof made them both turn in surprise. “Sorry. I thought you heard the door.”

“Blake was just agreeing that he’s quitting smoking.”

“Good. So we can all stop pretending we don’t know he was doing that now then?” Nadine caught the look of surprise on Blake’s face at Jay’s observation. Jay chuckled. “Man, come on. We spend most of our lives withing six feet of one another. We’re all aware when you turn up smelling like an ashtray.”

“Oh.”

“I was giving him the highlights of our appointment together.” She watched Jay’s brows shoot up.

“You guys did therapy together?” Blake’s voice sounded small. “I- I didn’t know that was an option.”

Nadine brought her attention back to him. “It is. But we don’t need to be in Doctor Phillips’ office to be honest and open with one another. You, both of you, can come to me with anything and I’ll listen. Openly and honestly.”

“Only if you come to us too.” Jay answered.

“I’ll keep working on it.” A thought struck her. “Was there something you needed when you came up, Jay?”

“Oh. MSec was demanding to know where Blake had gotten to.”

Blake sighed. “I’ll calm her down and then call Henry.”

“No. Jay and I will deal with her, you call Henry.” She patted his arm before leading the way back to the door and speaking to Jay. “No one is just taking it on their own anymore.”

She caught his pleased smile as he held the door for her. “Good to hear.”


End file.
